Consider the Lily

Love is patient and kind; does not envy or boast; is not proud, self-seeking, rude, or easily angered; keeps no record of wrongs; doesn’t revel in evil, but rejoices with truth; always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.


For me the adult dating game began in 1999...several months after an unwanted divorce. I was feeling incredibly alone and overwhelmed by the reality that I was no longer married. I was a mother of two children with a mortgage, a full-time job, and a myriad of other responsibilities (Just like other women I knew at the time). I didn’t feel divorced...I still felt married. Not having a spouse made me feel awkward around other married couples I knew, and more so around the single people I knew. Even though I’d been rocketed into the outer space of single, divorced life...I still felt married. I emotionally orbited around the people in my life, seeking a place to safely land back on planet earth. But I just couldn’t seem to find the single’s landing strip.

So, I went to my family physician and explained to him that I was sad, lonely, and frustrated with my inability to fit into my new role...single, divorced mother of two. He immediately had me take a written evaluation to determine if I was suffering from depression and anxiety...I was. He prescribed an anti-depressant to help get me through the transition and told me that my feelings were normal. Then he said, “As your doctor, I’ve prescribed for you medication to control your depression and anxiety. But as your brother in Christ I warn you to be careful. The desire to date will eventually appeal to you. When you start dating, take time to get to know the person before entering into a romantic relationship with him. You will know him by his ‘fruit’.” To which I replied, “You gotta' be kidding! Dating is the farthest thing from my mind! I don't want to get to know any new people at this point in my life, especially men!"

You’re probably perplexed as you read this (I was too when the doctor warned me). But let me explain. This physician is a Christian, as well as a family MD. He and his wife were active in a local church in my community and had been our family physician for many years. He was aware that I was a Christian and encouraged me to pray, read the Bible, spend time with my children and church family during the separation that preceded my divorce. So, when he said “You will know him by his fruit” I suspected he was speaking figuratively, not literally. I asked him to explain what he meant by saying, "You will know him by his fruit." And he did.

"The world is a harsh place for single people...especially divorced, single Christians. Don’t be surprised if you want to date or are pressured to date right away. There is nothing wrong with dating, but be careful that you don’t compromise your virtue and values in the process. You still 'feel' married because you made a commitment for life to one person and that relationship ended in divorce. You may feel a strong desire to marry again because that is the relationship you seek: marriage for life. However, you need time to heal emotionally and grow spiritually. This is done by spending time with people who sincerely love you and studying the New Testament to learn what Jesus had to say about relationships. In time, you’ll meet your future husband. But for now, enjoy your singleness in Christ.

Furthermore, when a person comes along who is compatible with your faith and values, observe his actions towards others (parents, children, ex-family members, church leaders, etc.). If his actions are Christ-centered towards others, they will be Christ-centered towards you and your children. You don't really know a person until you've invested time in getting to know them, observed their behavior and interactions with others. Jesus said you will know a person by their fruit. In other words, you will know a person by the fruit of their actions. Fruit does not appear on a tree overnight; fruit ripens slowly...with time. Don’t rush into a friendship or romance with a man who does not manifest the fruit of the Holy Spirit in his life. You will know if he is a true follower of Christ by his actions.” To which I thought, “Why couldn’t you just give me a bottle of sleeping pills and have me come back in a month like a normal doctor?” I left his office feeling more depressed and lonely than when I went in.

But the good doctor was right. Immediately I felt the pressure to date. My single friends were dating. My married friends were dating (Their spouses, of course). Therefore, I felt a strong desire to date. The first few dates I went on after my divorce were extremely uncomfortable and exhausting. They were uncomfortable because the men preferred physical contact to conversation, attempting to bestow affection upon me that I wasn't ready to receive...exhausting because I was fearful of their motives. The fact that I could hear my physician’s warning echoing in my head (While on a date) didn’t help, either. So, I decided to go to dance clubs with friends. In clubs I could enjoy the company of men (Uninhibited by alcohol to be concerned about physical contact or motives), dance and drink with whomever I wanted. So much for waiting on fruit to blossom...

I justified my club-hopping and social drinking by thinking Jesus understood my loneliness. He understood my ‘need’ to have a good time ...even if doing so compromised my physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual well-being. He understood that I didn't want to be alone. After all, I was only human. Jesus understood what being human felt like. And I knew if I did anything ‘bad’ He’d forgive me for it later. So, off I went...dancing, drinking, and having a good time. I’d been Wife, Daughter, Sister, Friend, and was currently Mother. The time had come for me to be Myself; celebrate my new identity. And I did. I let men I did not know fill my shot glass, repeatedly...and dance with me in a manner that would make my teenage son nervous.


You are probably thinking, “Isn’t she a Christian? I thought Christians don't drink and party, or go dancing in private clubs. Do Christians really act like this?” Yes they do. Some people who call themself "Christian" do a lot of things that Jesus doesn't approve of. I can say as much because I was doing things a Christian shouldn't be doing. I was taught (While growing up) to believe that there is so much Grace at the foot of the cross that I could do just about anything and be forgiven. I could bask in the Atonement of the Savior and continue in my selfish, destructive, unhealthy behaviors while doing so. But the truth was...I had never truly died to self in order to be raised a new creature in Jesus Christ. Each time I entered a club ...Jesus was left standing at the curb.

Some might say, “That’s not true. Jesus goes everywhere we go. He will never leave us or forsake us...even when we go into the darkest places.” And during my dancin'-in-the-dark days I believed as much. But then I discovered that Jesus Christ, the Brightest Light of all, went into the Darkest Place of all so that I would never have to. In 2002 I learned that I had been set free from my selfish desires over 2000 years ago. No longer was I a slave to selfish, destructive, unhealthy behaviors. I had been given liberty to walk in truth and become the Child of God I was created to be.

After months of going to clubs I realized I had a drinking problem. I confessed my addiction (To those closest to me) and by faith poured my drugs of choice down the drain: Captain Morgan, Jack Daniels, and two expensive bottles of Merlot. I stopped drinking, but continued to go dancing in clubs with my friends on Friday nights...and went to church on Sunday mornings.

But a very unusual thing happened, which brought my club-hopping to an end. I began to see ‘dead’ people at the clubs...spiritually and emotionally dead people. Without alcohol clouding my judgment or vision I could see and hear what was really going on around me. I watched men and women with sad, hungry looks on their faces survey the crowds for potential partners. I saw them clearly because I was sober.


That night I realized who I was by acknowledging Whose I was: God's. And as His child I had no business being in such a dark, desperate place. I told my friends the time had come for me to go home and I walked out of the club.

Jesus met me at the door.

To be continued...