Consider the Lily II

Love is patient and kind; does not envy or boast; is not proud, self-seeking, rude, or easily angered; keeps no record of wrongs; doesn’t revel in evil, but rejoices with truth; always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.



Where does a single Christian woman go for a good time...or to find a potential marriage partner? To church, of course (At least that is where I was encouraged to go). So, I visited a large church in search of a vibrant Single’s ministry. And I wasn’t disappointed. I encountered a large group of attractive, single adults of various ages and diverse backgrounds. They met each week for Sunday school and entertainment.

My first impression of the single adults within the group was the intense desire to find compatible marriage partners. At first I thought this was normal behavior for singles within a church environment. However, I soon realized that the competition and unhealthy behaviors displayed were not Christ-like. The underlying purpose of the Single’s ministry appeared to be the development of a romantic relationship between two compatible people rather than strengthening one's personal relationship to Jesus Christ. Within the Church, married couples seemed to approve of such behavior and encouraged single adults to pursue marriage.

Originally, I was uncomfortable with the idea of being pursued by or pursuing a potential mate at church (I had never before attended church for the purpose of making a love connection), but eventually grew accustomed to the idea of meeting my future husband through activities sponsored by the Singles ministry. However, as time went by, I was drawn to Scripture studies used in singles' meetings rather than to eligible bachelors in the group.


Even though I'd been an adult Christian for over 20 years, I realized that I lacked spiritual maturity in my relationship with Christ. And until I saw others as Christ sees them I would never experience the healthy marriage Christ intends for me to enjoy. So, I made the decision to pursue Christ rather than a potential husband and signed up to participate in a Women’s Bible study.

While attending the women’s Bible study the subject of wives submitting to husbands was discussed (Which, I thought was inappropriate as half of the women attending were single, divorced, or widowed). I listened as the Group Leader talked about how wives are to submit to their husband’s physical desires, support his endeavors, and nurture his children. She then asked each woman to comment on the subject. The single women in the group were silent as the married women responded to the Group Leader's statement. Then the Pastor’s wife spoke, “Men have needs that women do not have.” And I asked, “What needs might those be?”

She replied, “A man's desire for sex is stronger than a woman's. Therefore, a husband's need for sexual intimacy is greater than a wife's need for the same. When a husband desires his wife sexually, she is to submit her body to her husband...according to Ephesians 5:22.” I then asked, "What about the wife's needs? A wife has so many responsibilities, i.e., shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, bathing children, car pooling, etc. Perhaps she's too exhausted to 'service' her husband after a 12-hour day of caring for his home and children. At the end of a long day she may need his gentle touch, loving voice, and understanding."



To which the Pastor’s wife replied, “The husband’s needs always come first in the marriage. The Bible says wives are to submit to their husbands." At that point in the meeting one of the married women began to cry. She told the group that she had been sick for several months and barely had enough energy to care for her children, let alone fulfill her husband’s sexual needs. This was a second marriage for her. She didn’t want her husband to seek affection elsewhere. So, she gave in to her husband’s sexual advances (Even though she was too weak to enjoy their intimacy). The room went silent...everyone just stared at her. Then I raised my hand to speak.

I turned to the Pastor’s wife and said, “You are wrong about a couple of things. You are wrong that a man's desire for sexual intimacy is stronger than a woman's. I am a single woman in my thirties who enjoyed a very healthy sexual relationship with my husband during our marriage. Since my divorce, I have experienced frustration from not having my sexual desires met. Like a man, I am tempted. Like a man, I am attracted and aroused. And like a man...I have lusted. However, the Bible says that my body is a temple of the Holy Spirit and I am to exercise self-control over my desires. The Bible says that I am to guard my thoughts against lust and run from temptation. And nowhere in the Bible do I find gender bias regarding sexual purity, in or out of marriage.

Furthermore, the apostle Paul told both husbands and wives to submit to one another before he admonished wives to submit to their own husbands. And after telling wives to submit to their own husbands, Paul elaborates to what extent husbands are to submit to their own wives. He said husbands are to their wives what Christ is to the Church. Christ loved the Church so much He gave His life for her. He heals her...He protects and provides for her...He cherishes her. Christ does not force Himself on the Church when she is sick or otherwise. He calls her gently to Himself...in His embrace she is comforted, healed, rejuvenated, and restored.” I then turned to the sobbing woman and told her that her husband was being disobedient to Christ by expecting her to fulfill his sexual desires when she is sick and in need of her husband’s loving kindness. As his wife she is entitled to be served by her husband in preparation for serving him. Christ died for the Church, not the other way around. The room went silent again as everyone stared at me (Talk about an uncomfortable silence!).

The Group Leader then asked all the women to gather around the sick woman and pray for her. As the prayer ended a bell rang...the study was over. While exiting the classroom where the group had met I turned to the Pastor’s wife and asked her what I should do about my unmet need for sexual intimacy...she was speechless.

As I walked towards my car in the parking lot, the sick woman approached me. I hugged her as she said, “Thank you.” I asked her why she was thanking me. She replied, “My husband believes the Bible is true. And he was taught that a wife must submit to her husband's every need...according to Ephesians 5:22. I am going home and telling him to read the entire chapter! Thank you for sharing your thoughts on the subject.”

I didn’t return to the women’s Bible study. As a single Christian woman I felt the group was irrelevant and unresponsive to my emotional and spiritual needs. However, I was introduced to the sick woman’s husband two weeks later during a Sunday morning service. He was in a one-legged plaster cast…from toe to hip…walking with the assistance of crutches. He explained to me that he had surgery on the leg the week before and was going to be in the cast for six to eight weeks. As he shook my hand, his wife smiled at me. And I smiled back, thinking, "God works in mysterious ways, indeed!"

To be continued...