My Tribute

Today I attended the funeral service of a dear friend's mother who on Sunday, March 26, 2006, went home to be with Jesus. I was so moved by what I heard and saw that I wanted to share it with all of you.


First, there were the traditional prayers, songs, and scripture readings. Then, one by one, the adult children stood up to share with visitors how wonderful and vibrant their mother had been during her lifetime. I listened intently as they shared stories about her early days as a beautiful dancer in New York. I cried when they said she gave up a promising career as a dancer to become a mother. I laughed when one of her grand-children shared a story about how she would cut the grass...with scissors. And with deep respect I watched this lovely family lay their mother and grandmother to rest.


There's more. I heard something said about this woman that moved me to write this entry. The family said their mother's (And grandmother's) life was a life dedicated to serving others. Time after time she gave to others from her own need, not from her abundance. Again, I wept when they said she never judged anybody for who they were...or were not. I thought, "Oh, that my children will say the same of me when I am gone." When I left the graveside I did not feel as though I had just left a funeral...I felt as though I had just been to church. For the message was the same: live to serve others and do not judge them.

Such is the legacy of Jo-Marilyn Gibson Doel. Such should be the legacy of all who call themselves children of God.

More than 2000 years ago, the Apostle Paul said, "I have fought a good fight, I have finished the race, and I have remained faithful. And now the prize awaits me - the crown of righteousness that the Lord, the righteous Judge, will give me on that great day of his return. And the prize is not just for me but for all who eagerly look forward to his glorious return."

Until the day we lay our crowns at the feet of Jesus...goodbye sister Jo-Marilyn Gibson Doel.

PS. I love you, JB!

Consider the Lily II

Love is patient and kind; does not envy or boast; is not proud, self-seeking, rude, or easily angered; keeps no record of wrongs; doesn’t revel in evil, but rejoices with truth; always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.



Where does a single Christian woman go for a good time...or to find a potential marriage partner? To church, of course (At least that is where I was encouraged to go). So, I visited a large church in search of a vibrant Single’s ministry. And I wasn’t disappointed. I encountered a large group of attractive, single adults of various ages and diverse backgrounds. They met each week for Sunday school and entertainment.

My first impression of the single adults within the group was the intense desire to find compatible marriage partners. At first I thought this was normal behavior for singles within a church environment. However, I soon realized that the competition and unhealthy behaviors displayed were not Christ-like. The underlying purpose of the Single’s ministry appeared to be the development of a romantic relationship between two compatible people rather than strengthening one's personal relationship to Jesus Christ. Within the Church, married couples seemed to approve of such behavior and encouraged single adults to pursue marriage.

Originally, I was uncomfortable with the idea of being pursued by or pursuing a potential mate at church (I had never before attended church for the purpose of making a love connection), but eventually grew accustomed to the idea of meeting my future husband through activities sponsored by the Singles ministry. However, as time went by, I was drawn to Scripture studies used in singles' meetings rather than to eligible bachelors in the group.


Even though I'd been an adult Christian for over 20 years, I realized that I lacked spiritual maturity in my relationship with Christ. And until I saw others as Christ sees them I would never experience the healthy marriage Christ intends for me to enjoy. So, I made the decision to pursue Christ rather than a potential husband and signed up to participate in a Women’s Bible study.

While attending the women’s Bible study the subject of wives submitting to husbands was discussed (Which, I thought was inappropriate as half of the women attending were single, divorced, or widowed). I listened as the Group Leader talked about how wives are to submit to their husband’s physical desires, support his endeavors, and nurture his children. She then asked each woman to comment on the subject. The single women in the group were silent as the married women responded to the Group Leader's statement. Then the Pastor’s wife spoke, “Men have needs that women do not have.” And I asked, “What needs might those be?”

She replied, “A man's desire for sex is stronger than a woman's. Therefore, a husband's need for sexual intimacy is greater than a wife's need for the same. When a husband desires his wife sexually, she is to submit her body to her husband...according to Ephesians 5:22.” I then asked, "What about the wife's needs? A wife has so many responsibilities, i.e., shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, bathing children, car pooling, etc. Perhaps she's too exhausted to 'service' her husband after a 12-hour day of caring for his home and children. At the end of a long day she may need his gentle touch, loving voice, and understanding."



To which the Pastor’s wife replied, “The husband’s needs always come first in the marriage. The Bible says wives are to submit to their husbands." At that point in the meeting one of the married women began to cry. She told the group that she had been sick for several months and barely had enough energy to care for her children, let alone fulfill her husband’s sexual needs. This was a second marriage for her. She didn’t want her husband to seek affection elsewhere. So, she gave in to her husband’s sexual advances (Even though she was too weak to enjoy their intimacy). The room went silent...everyone just stared at her. Then I raised my hand to speak.

I turned to the Pastor’s wife and said, “You are wrong about a couple of things. You are wrong that a man's desire for sexual intimacy is stronger than a woman's. I am a single woman in my thirties who enjoyed a very healthy sexual relationship with my husband during our marriage. Since my divorce, I have experienced frustration from not having my sexual desires met. Like a man, I am tempted. Like a man, I am attracted and aroused. And like a man...I have lusted. However, the Bible says that my body is a temple of the Holy Spirit and I am to exercise self-control over my desires. The Bible says that I am to guard my thoughts against lust and run from temptation. And nowhere in the Bible do I find gender bias regarding sexual purity, in or out of marriage.

Furthermore, the apostle Paul told both husbands and wives to submit to one another before he admonished wives to submit to their own husbands. And after telling wives to submit to their own husbands, Paul elaborates to what extent husbands are to submit to their own wives. He said husbands are to their wives what Christ is to the Church. Christ loved the Church so much He gave His life for her. He heals her...He protects and provides for her...He cherishes her. Christ does not force Himself on the Church when she is sick or otherwise. He calls her gently to Himself...in His embrace she is comforted, healed, rejuvenated, and restored.” I then turned to the sobbing woman and told her that her husband was being disobedient to Christ by expecting her to fulfill his sexual desires when she is sick and in need of her husband’s loving kindness. As his wife she is entitled to be served by her husband in preparation for serving him. Christ died for the Church, not the other way around. The room went silent again as everyone stared at me (Talk about an uncomfortable silence!).

The Group Leader then asked all the women to gather around the sick woman and pray for her. As the prayer ended a bell rang...the study was over. While exiting the classroom where the group had met I turned to the Pastor’s wife and asked her what I should do about my unmet need for sexual intimacy...she was speechless.

As I walked towards my car in the parking lot, the sick woman approached me. I hugged her as she said, “Thank you.” I asked her why she was thanking me. She replied, “My husband believes the Bible is true. And he was taught that a wife must submit to her husband's every need...according to Ephesians 5:22. I am going home and telling him to read the entire chapter! Thank you for sharing your thoughts on the subject.”

I didn’t return to the women’s Bible study. As a single Christian woman I felt the group was irrelevant and unresponsive to my emotional and spiritual needs. However, I was introduced to the sick woman’s husband two weeks later during a Sunday morning service. He was in a one-legged plaster cast…from toe to hip…walking with the assistance of crutches. He explained to me that he had surgery on the leg the week before and was going to be in the cast for six to eight weeks. As he shook my hand, his wife smiled at me. And I smiled back, thinking, "God works in mysterious ways, indeed!"

To be continued...

Consider the Lily

Love is patient and kind; does not envy or boast; is not proud, self-seeking, rude, or easily angered; keeps no record of wrongs; doesn’t revel in evil, but rejoices with truth; always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.


For me the adult dating game began in 1999...several months after an unwanted divorce. I was feeling incredibly alone and overwhelmed by the reality that I was no longer married. I was a mother of two children with a mortgage, a full-time job, and a myriad of other responsibilities (Just like other women I knew at the time). I didn’t feel divorced...I still felt married. Not having a spouse made me feel awkward around other married couples I knew, and more so around the single people I knew. Even though I’d been rocketed into the outer space of single, divorced life...I still felt married. I emotionally orbited around the people in my life, seeking a place to safely land back on planet earth. But I just couldn’t seem to find the single’s landing strip.

So, I went to my family physician and explained to him that I was sad, lonely, and frustrated with my inability to fit into my new role...single, divorced mother of two. He immediately had me take a written evaluation to determine if I was suffering from depression and anxiety...I was. He prescribed an anti-depressant to help get me through the transition and told me that my feelings were normal. Then he said, “As your doctor, I’ve prescribed for you medication to control your depression and anxiety. But as your brother in Christ I warn you to be careful. The desire to date will eventually appeal to you. When you start dating, take time to get to know the person before entering into a romantic relationship with him. You will know him by his ‘fruit’.” To which I replied, “You gotta' be kidding! Dating is the farthest thing from my mind! I don't want to get to know any new people at this point in my life, especially men!"

You’re probably perplexed as you read this (I was too when the doctor warned me). But let me explain. This physician is a Christian, as well as a family MD. He and his wife were active in a local church in my community and had been our family physician for many years. He was aware that I was a Christian and encouraged me to pray, read the Bible, spend time with my children and church family during the separation that preceded my divorce. So, when he said “You will know him by his fruit” I suspected he was speaking figuratively, not literally. I asked him to explain what he meant by saying, "You will know him by his fruit." And he did.

"The world is a harsh place for single people...especially divorced, single Christians. Don’t be surprised if you want to date or are pressured to date right away. There is nothing wrong with dating, but be careful that you don’t compromise your virtue and values in the process. You still 'feel' married because you made a commitment for life to one person and that relationship ended in divorce. You may feel a strong desire to marry again because that is the relationship you seek: marriage for life. However, you need time to heal emotionally and grow spiritually. This is done by spending time with people who sincerely love you and studying the New Testament to learn what Jesus had to say about relationships. In time, you’ll meet your future husband. But for now, enjoy your singleness in Christ.

Furthermore, when a person comes along who is compatible with your faith and values, observe his actions towards others (parents, children, ex-family members, church leaders, etc.). If his actions are Christ-centered towards others, they will be Christ-centered towards you and your children. You don't really know a person until you've invested time in getting to know them, observed their behavior and interactions with others. Jesus said you will know a person by their fruit. In other words, you will know a person by the fruit of their actions. Fruit does not appear on a tree overnight; fruit ripens slowly...with time. Don’t rush into a friendship or romance with a man who does not manifest the fruit of the Holy Spirit in his life. You will know if he is a true follower of Christ by his actions.” To which I thought, “Why couldn’t you just give me a bottle of sleeping pills and have me come back in a month like a normal doctor?” I left his office feeling more depressed and lonely than when I went in.

But the good doctor was right. Immediately I felt the pressure to date. My single friends were dating. My married friends were dating (Their spouses, of course). Therefore, I felt a strong desire to date. The first few dates I went on after my divorce were extremely uncomfortable and exhausting. They were uncomfortable because the men preferred physical contact to conversation, attempting to bestow affection upon me that I wasn't ready to receive...exhausting because I was fearful of their motives. The fact that I could hear my physician’s warning echoing in my head (While on a date) didn’t help, either. So, I decided to go to dance clubs with friends. In clubs I could enjoy the company of men (Uninhibited by alcohol to be concerned about physical contact or motives), dance and drink with whomever I wanted. So much for waiting on fruit to blossom...

I justified my club-hopping and social drinking by thinking Jesus understood my loneliness. He understood my ‘need’ to have a good time ...even if doing so compromised my physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual well-being. He understood that I didn't want to be alone. After all, I was only human. Jesus understood what being human felt like. And I knew if I did anything ‘bad’ He’d forgive me for it later. So, off I went...dancing, drinking, and having a good time. I’d been Wife, Daughter, Sister, Friend, and was currently Mother. The time had come for me to be Myself; celebrate my new identity. And I did. I let men I did not know fill my shot glass, repeatedly...and dance with me in a manner that would make my teenage son nervous.


You are probably thinking, “Isn’t she a Christian? I thought Christians don't drink and party, or go dancing in private clubs. Do Christians really act like this?” Yes they do. Some people who call themself "Christian" do a lot of things that Jesus doesn't approve of. I can say as much because I was doing things a Christian shouldn't be doing. I was taught (While growing up) to believe that there is so much Grace at the foot of the cross that I could do just about anything and be forgiven. I could bask in the Atonement of the Savior and continue in my selfish, destructive, unhealthy behaviors while doing so. But the truth was...I had never truly died to self in order to be raised a new creature in Jesus Christ. Each time I entered a club ...Jesus was left standing at the curb.

Some might say, “That’s not true. Jesus goes everywhere we go. He will never leave us or forsake us...even when we go into the darkest places.” And during my dancin'-in-the-dark days I believed as much. But then I discovered that Jesus Christ, the Brightest Light of all, went into the Darkest Place of all so that I would never have to. In 2002 I learned that I had been set free from my selfish desires over 2000 years ago. No longer was I a slave to selfish, destructive, unhealthy behaviors. I had been given liberty to walk in truth and become the Child of God I was created to be.

After months of going to clubs I realized I had a drinking problem. I confessed my addiction (To those closest to me) and by faith poured my drugs of choice down the drain: Captain Morgan, Jack Daniels, and two expensive bottles of Merlot. I stopped drinking, but continued to go dancing in clubs with my friends on Friday nights...and went to church on Sunday mornings.

But a very unusual thing happened, which brought my club-hopping to an end. I began to see ‘dead’ people at the clubs...spiritually and emotionally dead people. Without alcohol clouding my judgment or vision I could see and hear what was really going on around me. I watched men and women with sad, hungry looks on their faces survey the crowds for potential partners. I saw them clearly because I was sober.


That night I realized who I was by acknowledging Whose I was: God's. And as His child I had no business being in such a dark, desperate place. I told my friends the time had come for me to go home and I walked out of the club.

Jesus met me at the door.

To be continued...